I don’t believe  most of the Bible.

Wow, what a statement. But here I am, confessing to you what God has revealed to me. Because you see, knowing is not believing. And all my life I’ve BELIEVED that by reading the Bible and knowing what’s in the Bible: tada! I have faith.

That is a lie! I’m not beating myself up, wallowing in self-pity and accusation. No, there is NO need for that. Because now that TRUTH has been revealed, I can act upon it. You see, knowing is not the end; it is only the first step. First I must know the Truth in order to then believe it.

But what is faith?

This is a question I have been wrestling with for the past couple months. I’ve been asking God to perform a miracle, to create anew the missing teeth in my mouth. And every single time that I have come before Him in prayer, I wonder: what is faith? And finally I asked God to show me what it is.

(Haha, do you ever do that? Where you ponder something and expect God to reveal the answer, but you never ask? Yeah…I do it all the time)

This is the Truth of what Faith is:
…holding on to the promises of God.

I struggle with the issue of my identy.  This is because I’ve been allowing my past experiences to define my present state. But I must allow the future to mold the present, not the past. Wow, did you get that? The FUTURE defines the present! Jesus is going to return. Only in looking forward, fixing our eyes on HIM can we take our eyes off of the past. Do it right now. Look straight ahead. I bet in doing so you can see everything on your right and everything on your left. BUT you can only FIX your eyes on ONE thing. Gina!! Stop fixing your eyes on the past, but look to the FUTURE, look at Jesus- the author and perfector of your FAITH!

John 9:5. Jesus says, “While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” We find our identity in Jesus, thus we are the light of the world. Okay- check! I know this! But do I believe it?

Hmmm….I am the light of the world… What does light do? Hmmm I picture myself going through the woods at night. It’s dark. There is no way to know my suroundings. What does a flash-light do? It brings knowledge of the Truth of the reality- where the trees are, the rocks;  it provides safety, I do not stumble and get hurt; it attracts the other things in the darkness…

Wow…what if I really believed I was the light of the WORLD! That is my identity! I am to bring knowledge of the Truth, safety, draw out the things of darkness! Overcome aaaall fear! Now, take that into everyday situations…hmmm…. All this IN JESUS.

Ooooh…if only the Chruch believed what she knows.

I feel a fresh new start! I feel renewed! The Bible suddnely has become an open door to a WHOLE new WORLD! God says: I am the light of the world. I grab hold of that promise. That is my future. That is what defines my present. I can finally take my eyes OFF the past and live under the Truth. God’s Word becomes my reality.

OH! Also, FAITH results in ACTION. You can’t help but act on what you believe. Thus fix your mind on the things ABOVE! Begin meditating on God’s promises. Take it slow. Allow it to become a regular part of your prayer life, meditation. Claim it as your CURRENT REALITY. Ask Him for help. But BE transformed by the RENEWING of your mind, on the TRUTH.

Faith: active RESPONSE to God’s character and word.

Amen

Lately, God keeps emphasizing the vital need to live in His Presence. To run after His heart BEFORE all else. To gaze upon His beauty. Mike Bickle says that the way to cultivate a passion for Jesus is to dwell on Jesus’ passion for me. I feel like I always have tomorrow in mind. Like, when school picks up I’ll schedule in daily time of just worship. Or within the next week I’ll study this book and pray-read it. I’ll set up this daily routine and do that weekly meeting with Him. It’s like I’m avoiding Him. I do everything to assure myself that I WILL at some point fellowship deeply. And it’ll impact and change my world!! It’s coming! Tomorrow! Oh boy! I just can’t wait!

And the times where I actually come before Him, my mind is racing on the tomorrow. Or I give him 2 min. to touch me…op! He’s not…argh…then this is NOT the way to feel Him, NOT the way He speaks to me! Argh! Must move on and try something new TOMORROW!

Lord! Please save me of my fear to be in your presence silent. Save me of my need for something BIG, outstanding. Help me hear you in the stillness of my spirit. My soul loooongs for rest. I can’t find it in the business…and I can’t even find it in the quiet. Whether I stand and walk around or lay on the floor or get on my knees…it’s like no-where! I can’t get my mind to just still. Always thinking I’m not doing it right. Lord, I just long to be in your presence. I am right now aren’t I? Why do I believe I’m not? Why do I let my expectations run wild. You’re here, with me. Now.

Help me to see you, hear you. Spirit speak.

I’m tired of my dry heart and my condescending thoughts. I’m tired of always seeing the things I’m not. Jesus I cling to your blood. I grab hold of your truth and proclaim it. Whom you set free is free indeed. You will never leave me. You’re presence is with me.

One thing have I asked of the Lord, this one thing I seek. To dwell in the House of the Lord forever. To live in Your Presence.

….and I think it is so unfair.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’ve really come to appreciate these last two weeks of school. I have so much work piled up, when I think about it my chest begins to hurt and stress consumes my body. I can feel it.

Yet here I am. It’s almost midnight after a full day running off of 4 hours of sleep. A 10 page Greek analysis and exegetical paper done. Check that off the list. My mind and body feel utterly exhausted.

I’ve pushed and pushed and pushed. I always think I have no strength to push again, yet somehow I do. And then looking back I’m shocked at how far I’ve come.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that with the multitude of work I am pushed to my limits. And I discover what they are. And although it’s not always healthy, it makes me stronger.

Because always, YES always. In the midst of exhaustion my God RESTORES! And that moment of surrender and restoration is so sweeeeeeet. It reminds me that I am not the god of my life, He is. It reminds me of my weakness and my need. It finally brings me to my knees. It makes me depend on Him. And in that state of dependence, there is peace.

There is faith, hope, and love

Oh…*sigh*…it’s the best place to be….
I just gotta learn to be there always. In strength AND in weakness.

One of the simple pleasures in my life is sitting in a room alone, with good music playing in the background, reading through the different blogs friends have written. It’s just so special. Somehow I connect with the person and God. It’s like I get a glimpse of what God is doing in their lives. I love it!

Well this is what’s been on my heart these past couple days.
I have this deep desire to be empowered, to be on fire, faithful from head to toes, changing the world for the Kingdom’s sake, smack dab in the middle of His divine will. Doing it all right. What I keep getting is: be a woman of the Word, of prayer and intercession, of deep love for the people around. But I find myself struggling to be disciplined. If I were completely honest I would say, I don’t want to study and memorize Scripture, I don’t want to pray and love. It takes work. And right now, I’m fighting against burn out.

Proverbs 6:6
Go to the ant, O sluggard, observe her ways and be wise.

I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn’t granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings; Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things  that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said… Ahhhh,
finally you have the idea.

I just wonder sometimes at the way God created things. Relationships are weird. I’m not talking about the “dating” kind. I mean in general. Between  two human beings. Two people are so different. Different inherit personality traits. Different home environments. Different social experiences. Different lenses through which they both see the world. Really miles away. And yet, they seek to find common ground. To relate. To share. To compromise. To grow.

Okay. Got that one down. But now add in one more….and another….and another.

Yeah…don’t really know where I’m going with this. I was just thinking that. Plus, I haven’t written on here in forever. So that was the best I got for now. Haven’t been pondering things lately. I miss it. Thanksgiving break is gonna be goooooood Lot’s of time!

Some days life overwhelms me with the overload of thoughts, responsibilities, and needs. I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know how to do it all. I am immobilized from the start. And it sucks the life out of me.

So much to say.
So much to do.
Just not enough time.

McKeown states, “One of the consequences of sin is loss of rest” (Genesis, p. 360).

Do we see this today?

We live in a country that never seems to rest. We have 24-hour open Walmarts and McDonalds and most stores open throughout Sunday.
When does America rest?
How does rest affect our relationship with God?
What is rest?

I love weekends. I love that life stops. In the dorms things finally get quiet. I get to be alone. I get to do homework. Yes, I am one of those weird students that love to learn. I love being alone in a room, with a textbook, and lots of time to think and reflect. That becomes rest. That down time is restful. When I went on a missions trip to NYC I met a Jewish girl! I wish we got more of those. She told me how on Sunday her and her husband do absolutely no-work (some more devoted don’t even watch TV).

What would our life look like if we had one whole day where we did nothing?
Is that what rest looks like or is having a relaxed weekend full of good homework good enough?

“Most of us can identify with the intoxicating feeling that comes when we are the center of attention. Solitude is a discipline that gets behind those feelings to who we are when we feel invisible and unrecognized. Who are we when productivity and recognition fall away and God is the only one watching us? Some of us simply seem to lose our sense of self when there is no one to mirror back who we are. Without the oxigen of doing and the mirror of approval, our feelings of being real and important evaporate. Hollow places open up in our heart, and our soul feels empty and bare. We can feel agitated, scattered, and distracted. These disconcerting feelings do two things for us. They reveal how much of our identity is embedded in a false sense of self. And they show us how easy it is to avoid solitude because we dislike being unproductive and unapplauded.
But we need solitude if we intend to unmask the false self and its important-looking image. Alone, without distractions, we put ourselves in a place where God can reveal things to us that we might not notice in the normal preoccupations of life. Solitude opens a space where we can bring our empty and compulsive selves to God. And no matter how well we ‘do’ silence, God is there to accept, receive, and love us. In solitude we see how little we embrace our true identity in Christ. And we find the truth of who we are in Christ. We are the beloved, and God is pleased with us. This identity is given; it is not earned. Many other voices pull at us, seeking to own and name us, but in solitude we learn what it is to distinguish between the voice of God and the voices of the world.”

-Spiritual Disciplines Handbook, by Adele Ahlberg Calhoun, p. 113.